Tuesday, January 21, 2014

The days run away.

I counted today and I only have six potential days to see him before he leaves.

This was not the way it was supposed to go.

How do you trudge through something like this? Someone makes you happy, silly happy when you’re with him, but you know there is an imminent end to that. That it’s time and he’s leaving and, while two people can obviously stay together in this modern world, the physical distance is not something to be scoffed at or taken lightly.

I told a friend how nice it was where he’s moving. I thought about how sunny and green it would be. I picture what it would be like to be there, too.

The person responded, “You’re teasing yourself.”

Stinging, hissing words that made me recoil. Probably because it's so true. It's exhausting to pretend it's not happening when we're together and then to dive deep into the sadness when we're apart. To remember him and want him close and know that he's only going further away. On top if it all, a vacation that had been planned before me, before us, is taking him away for a week. It's like the universe saying "test run! now's the time! get used to it!"

Life is funny like this. I never saw this coming and now it’s changing entirely.

Life moves fast, faster than we realize. Change is part of the experience. I don’t want to be afraid. I don’t want to hold back. I want to trust in the unknown. I do know that beautiful things are in store. I just want to know if they include him. If the next step in my life is a parallel one to his. I don’t know how you know that. 

Does anyone?

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