Absorbing.

"You're an absorber, Janae."

These words were spoken to me on Thursday, January 23rd. One week ago today. And I cannot get them out of my head.

I've never been described like this before, but it makes more sense to me than most descriptors. I am an absorber. I take it all in, then give you my opinion. Sometimes that opinion needs to be coerced, sometimes it's delivered brutally, and (admittedly) fewer times it comes out as a thoughtful phrase.

I am an absorber. I notice things. I look at things differently.

I think, when I was younger, I didn't let myself do this. I didn't relish it like the character trait it truly can be. It's fun getting older when it means you're understanding your own self, your own world, your experiences, better.

And it's even more fun to shake all of that up with one big decision.

More on that another day.

The days run away.

I counted today and I only have six potential days to see him before he leaves.

This was not the way it was supposed to go.

How do you trudge through something like this? Someone makes you happy, silly happy when you’re with him, but you know there is an imminent end to that. That it’s time and he’s leaving and, while two people can obviously stay together in this modern world, the physical distance is not something to be scoffed at or taken lightly.

I told a friend how nice it was where he’s moving. I thought about how sunny and green it would be. I picture what it would be like to be there, too.

The person responded, “You’re teasing yourself.”

Stinging, hissing words that made me recoil. Probably because it's so true. It's exhausting to pretend it's not happening when we're together and then to dive deep into the sadness when we're apart. To remember him and want him close and know that he's only going further away. On top if it all, a vacation that had been planned before me, before us, is taking him away for a week. It's like the universe saying "test run! now's the time! get used to it!"

Life is funny like this. I never saw this coming and now it’s changing entirely.

Life moves fast, faster than we realize. Change is part of the experience. I don’t want to be afraid. I don’t want to hold back. I want to trust in the unknown. I do know that beautiful things are in store. I just want to know if they include him. If the next step in my life is a parallel one to his. I don’t know how you know that. 

Does anyone?

Hello again.

I’ve realized 2013 was not the best year. As with everything, it's not just one thing. A few include living out of boxes for five months, working nonstop but not feeling satisfied, crafting a lot of plans with people who would eventually back out and, truly, overall, doing far too much planning and far too little making.

That is what I want to focus on this year. Making. 

Making a difference.

Making a cake.

Making a conscious effort to take the stairs. 

Making lunch for work.

Making art.

Making new friends.

Making travel memories.

Making an effort to love people. We have a huge responsibility to love people. To give them our gifts or talents or simply time. Not just to show up, but to be present and aware. I want to focus on this.

So, here’s to making a fantastic 2014! (And yes, you can expect me to start making an effort to be in this space again. I've missed it.)