Absorbing.

"You're an absorber, Janae."

These words were spoken to me on Thursday, January 23rd. One week ago today. And I cannot get them out of my head.

I've never been described like this before, but it makes more sense to me than most descriptors. I am an absorber. I take it all in, then give you my opinion. Sometimes that opinion needs to be coerced, sometimes it's delivered brutally, and (admittedly) fewer times it comes out as a thoughtful phrase.

I am an absorber. I notice things. I look at things differently.

I think, when I was younger, I didn't let myself do this. I didn't relish it like the character trait it truly can be. It's fun getting older when it means you're understanding your own self, your own world, your experiences, better.

And it's even more fun to shake all of that up with one big decision.

More on that another day.

The days run away.

I counted today and I only have six potential days to see him before he leaves.

This was not the way it was supposed to go.

How do you trudge through something like this? Someone makes you happy, silly happy when you’re with him, but you know there is an imminent end to that. That it’s time and he’s leaving and, while two people can obviously stay together in this modern world, the physical distance is not something to be scoffed at or taken lightly.

I told a friend how nice it was where he’s moving. I thought about how sunny and green it would be. I picture what it would be like to be there, too.

The person responded, “You’re teasing yourself.”

Stinging, hissing words that made me recoil. Probably because it's so true. It's exhausting to pretend it's not happening when we're together and then to dive deep into the sadness when we're apart. To remember him and want him close and know that he's only going further away. On top if it all, a vacation that had been planned before me, before us, is taking him away for a week. It's like the universe saying "test run! now's the time! get used to it!"

Life is funny like this. I never saw this coming and now it’s changing entirely.

Life moves fast, faster than we realize. Change is part of the experience. I don’t want to be afraid. I don’t want to hold back. I want to trust in the unknown. I do know that beautiful things are in store. I just want to know if they include him. If the next step in my life is a parallel one to his. I don’t know how you know that. 

Does anyone?

Hello again.

I’ve realized 2013 was not the best year. As with everything, it's not just one thing. A few include living out of boxes for five months, working nonstop but not feeling satisfied, crafting a lot of plans with people who would eventually back out and, truly, overall, doing far too much planning and far too little making.

That is what I want to focus on this year. Making. 

Making a difference.

Making a cake.

Making a conscious effort to take the stairs. 

Making lunch for work.

Making art.

Making new friends.

Making travel memories.

Making an effort to love people. We have a huge responsibility to love people. To give them our gifts or talents or simply time. Not just to show up, but to be present and aware. I want to focus on this.

So, here’s to making a fantastic 2014! (And yes, you can expect me to start making an effort to be in this space again. I've missed it.)

You and I.

I wish I could explain these past few months to you. I wish I could just take you through all of the photos on my phone, and stop you to say, there, that was when this happened and I felt wonderful/embarrassed/shocked/etc. I wish I could show you all of these things and say that I thought about blogging a bit, but really just had other priorities.

I wish I would have taken a photo of the man who sold me my first Honeycrisp apple of the season. He was gruff, and tall, and didn't have his right-hand ring finger. He told me "Them apples were picked this mornin'" and I said "Oh man, getting them as fresh as I can!" I wish you could have been at that little, wooden shop with me, trying to choose the most unique type of root beer you could find.

I wish you would know how much time I put into my job and how much energy I get from the students I work with. I wish I had the words to explain how phenomenal one week felt and how difficult and emotional the other felt. I wish I could take you through the emotions I then went through for a month afterward, trying to sort it all out in my head. I wish I was completely over it all.

I wish I could tell you how it feels to go to weddings of almost everyone you hung out with when you were in your most formative years. And that those weddings all come within six months of each another. I wish you were driving with me for those long hours in the car. I wish I hadn't put over 7,000 miles on my car in the last three months. But maybe I don't. I'm happy I got to be there for each of my friends, and am looking forward to being at the ones coming up.

I wish I realized when I was younger that there are people in this world who you don't have to see every day or even every year, but that you will always feel comfortable around. This is the greatest gift. Friends who accept you as you are, even when you've changed. Even when they've changed. Maybe because of those changes. 

I hope you know that this is going to be a great month. Here we go September. You started off with a night with a wonderful person, a blue moon accompanying me on a drive home, a day with my grandparents, a potluck complete with moonshine, four-wheeler rides, and parents grilling me food and sending me back to the city with dessert. I will be spending most of this month in another country. I'm hoping for a lot of adventures.

Photo Trend

A new, whenever I realize I have one, feature for you! I've been taking far more photos of daily life, and have seen a few trends pop up. Here are liquids (or things that could become liquids) that I showcase by holding them in my hand.

Remember you can pivot.

Rather than cancel things, we can pivot and find a new way of doing things so we can continue to serve and live a balanced life at the same time. 

 From Jess LC

Giving back

There are a lot of things that make me a happy person. One of them is volunteering. Last night, nine students volunteered to hand out 10,000 candy bars to fans attending the Minnesota Twins game versus the Chicago White Sox. They were energetic and happy and I was so proud to be able to say that I get to work with them.

Have you volunteered lately? If so, what did you do?